By Nikki Haririan
Close your eyes and picture a room full of people. Everyone’s faces have smiles painted upon them, but their eyes are screaming for help. They’re squeezed into tacky nylon costumes that have cheap plastic gems flapping around. It’s worse than a car crash, because at least with a car crash, you’re a bit curious. All you want to do now is run and hug your loved ones one last time.
You’re probably wondering, “What was this satanic cult?” They’re just the sad sack of D-List stars who wanted another fifteen minutes in the spotlight through “Dancing with the Stars.”
In the last ten years, this show has pumped out over twenty seasons, making this number twenty-one. We’ve got such stars as Victor Espinoza, Hayes Grier, and Alek Skarlatos. Never heard of any of them? Me neither! Nor has anyone else! Two of the “celebrities” aren’t even eighteen years old. Some of these “celebrities’” claims to fame include being a jockey, a reality television “star,” “Vine & social media personality,” and – my personal favorite – just being Gary Busey. Fun Gary Busey fact: he went on and won the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother. I’m hoping he can win this too and become the Serena Williams of trashy reality competitions.
As for the actual dancing that went on during the premiere, it was just as unimpressive as the cast list. Since it’s still the beginning of the season, none of these celebrities actually know how to dance yet, so their professional partners have to do all of the legwork – literally. You can’t help but wish you were watching all of the partners dancing magnificently together. Even two celebrities teamed up would be more interesting because at least it’d be a funny train wreck. I hate to indulge in too much schadenfreude, but going on YouTube and searching “best dancing with the stars fail” was easily the best decision of my day.
Paula Deen’s dance was the most amusing of the night, but not for any dancing talent. She seemed to just walk around the floor and then jump up and down for a good minute. When she and her partner finished, she hugged him, but maneuvered his head towards her breasts to make for one of the most unsettling images of the whole ninety-minute episode. Before the judges obliterate Paula Deen with straight 5 out of 10s, Tom Bergeron, the shell of the man who once hosted America’s Funniest Home Videos, asks Deen, “Are you okay? Doing alright?” She then replies with, “I had white underwear when I started but it probably ain’t white no more.” That anecdote probably sums up all of this show. If you ever want to feel better about your miserable life, watch Dancing with the Stars.
Nikki Haririan is a Contributing Writer. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org